Let me just say that I'm doing this not for you, but for myself. I've realized that my blogging has helped me as my stress reliever. I can pour out my emotions here, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever. And right now, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
I'm not sure if I've ever blogged about how I really feel about what you did, or if I did, if I ever did publish those blogs. But I guess not. I just didn't want to waste my time anymore for that kind of sh*t. But I'm having a change of heart, and I just really want to do this right now.
Ever since the last time we saw each other, until now, we’ve never really had a real talk, and I hate you for that. It pisses me off that you have to hide from me and that you can’t be a real man and face me and talk to me. What’s the problem? Guilty ka? Because the one thing that I was always worried about, the one thing that you’ve told me a lot of times not to be worried about is actually the one thing that destroyed us, or rather, me. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Behind my back you’ve been doing and realizing these things and you were never brave enough to tell me? It wasn’t really about what my dad told me that’s why you left me, no? It wasn’t really because you were so busy with your Thesis and stuff that’s why you wanted a cool off? Or if it was really because of those reasons, I’m sure if it was for someone else you could bear them all, but for me you can’t, because hindi lang naman ‘yun ang dahilan. And why didn’t you just go straight to a break up if in the long run, it was gonna happen anyway? Nakakainis ka sobra. Forget the part where you’re gonna think na I’ll be getting hurt if you tell me those things because that’s what happened anyway, I still got hurt, and I think it was even more hurtful than if you just went straight to a break up. And goodness gracious, you were just going to say why, and yet you can’t. You were able to do the cool off, even if it was just thru text, and yet you can’t say why. Is it really that hard? Harder than waiting for what’s going to happen next? Harder than being left in the middle of nowhere and you don’t know which way to go? Harder than thinking if you have to keep holding on or it’s time to let go? Tell me, how hard was it for you?
Don’t tell me that I’m being unfair to you because weren’t you unfair to me too? Ever since the start, you’ve denied me of the truth. You never told me anything. Ano nga ba ko, girlfriend lang naman ako. You made me believe that ‘that’ was over. You made me believe that you were done with that. And yet you weren’t pa pala. It took you a year to figure that out? To realize that? And it had to involve me pa. I know I’m making you sound so bad, because that’s how I feel about you. This wouldn’t have come out only if you talked to me about it. I'm sure things would've been a whole lot different. Really, you were already able to tell me a lot of things, that you’ve forgotten about me while you were doing your Thesis and all, that you forgot that you even had a girlfriend, pero isang simpleng bagay lang, isang simpleng dahilan lang kung bakit ka nakipaghiwalay, hindi mo pa nasabi. Ano bang inaantay mo? Ganun na lang ‘yun, hinayaan mo na lang na magsawa ako kakaantay, kaka-asa, sa kakasabing naiinis ako sa’yo? I feel so stupid for still waiting for more or less than 3 months, even if it was so obvious already that I was waiting for nothing. Tapos kelan mo lang mare-realize na nahihirapan na ako? Tsk. Pero aaminin ko naman na maaaring may kasalanan rin ako dito. Probably I did rush things. I thought I did already, but I never really knew you nung sinagot kita. And I’ve always told you before na ayokong nagagalit sa’yo. Malamang mali rin ako dun diba, siguro kung nagalit ako sa’yo nuon, nag-away tayo, matagal na tayong naghiwalay.
Sabihin na nila na talo ako sa pagpo-post nito, pero gusto ko lang naman ilabas 'yung sama ng loob ko. Hindi ko rin naman akalain na magpo-post pa ko ng ganito. Sabihin na nilang bitter ako, pero pano nila masasabi 'yun if they never really knew what happened? Hindi kita sinisiraan, sinasabi ko lang ung nararamdaman ko tungkol sa nangyari. Mabasa mo man to o hindi, wala akong pakialam, basta gusto kong ilabas yung kung anu talagang nasa loob ko. Salamat na rin dahil ang dami kong na-realize at natutunan sa nangyaring ito. Masaya na ko ngayon, hindi na tulad ng dati, ibang iba na. I’m sure masaya ka na rin, bumitaw na ko, libre ka na. (noon pa nga pala, sorry ngayon ko lang nasabi) At oo, sabihin na nilang hindi pa ako 100% over sa’yo, (kahit ikaw, I’m sure, simula pa lang ang bilis mong naka-move on) may mga naaalala pa rin ako from time to time, pero one thing’s for sure, I’ve started to move on, and I’m sure I’ll be able to do it well, even if I’m on my own.
Pagpasensiyahan niyo na ang post na ‘to, nagka-lakas ng loob lang.
Ah ngayon ko lang to nabasa. It's kinda weird, pero mukhang nagkapareho din tayo ng sitwasyon somehow.
I really don't understand why some guys can't come out and say certain things, na tipong nag-iintay sila na ikaw yung makikipag-break o ikaw yung makakahalata para lang ikaw yung pwede nilang sisihin for the failure of the relationship.
It's like they never want to look bad, para maganda parin yung chance nila sa ibang babae. Nakakaasar talaga.
It'll pass. Mahirap kalimutan, and the damage has already been done to your trust of the male species, pero the anger and the hurt and the care will pass. Isang araw magiging blanko ka nalang at maiisip mo na.. aba magic wala na kong pake.
Just continue what you're doing, kasi you look like you're coping very well. And if you need backup, madami ka namang friends na sasalo sa iyo. :)
*huuuugs* :D
Maraming Salamat Cheski!
Ngayon ko lang nabasa 'to, akala ko kasi wala naman mag-co-comment, haha..
Oo nga e, yun ang nakakainis sa kanila, parang ang hirap para sa kanila na sabihin kung anu talaga nararamdaman nila which sucks.
And true enough, siguro kasi mas mahirap para sa mga lalaki ang tanggapin ang pagkakamali nila kesa sa mga babae. Girl power, hahaha!
Kasi sila, kelangan magpa-impress, kaya kelangan parang clean slate lagi. Haynaku, ang labo lang. Pero oo nga, nakakaya ko naman and I've come a long way. Pansin ko na yung changes sa'kin, compared sa previous months. May mga kelangan pa ko gawin pero I'm sure I'll get there. Aaaaand korek, marami akong back-up, hahaha!
Thanks much again! *hugs♥*
this was one serious post, im happy na nailabas mo na un sama ng loob mo... start na yan ng paggnda ng feeling mo... It's not your loss its his loss diba? the day will come n kahit makasalubong mo xa wala ka ng mararamdaman.. ngitian mo na lang say hi and goodbye :)
I apologize for the late post. Anyway, I can feel your frustration. You must have been really upset while writing this. Good thing there were no blood stains on the keyboard, eh? Hahaha! Thanks for sharing me this entry. =)
yep, i was, i forgot how serious this post was, hahaha..but it felt good =P kahit na i don't know if he was even aware of this or not =P you'll get there, friend =D