think rainbows

Before I turned 20, I've always thought my lovelife was boring. Nothing special in it. I fall for a guy who's either taken, pursuing someone else, or who just doesn't really care at all. That's just about it. And I was fine with it. I wasn't so emo-ish about it although yes, it is somewhat sad, because the feeling's not reciprocated of course. The ultimate wish then was to have a boyfriend. (kahit nga ligaw lang! LOL.) Wish granted. After i turned 20, things changed.

It was almost everything I wanted. It was lovely, fun, I didn't want it to end. But months before I turned 22, I finally woke up from the dream. It was heartbreaking. It was horrible. You know how they say that the first cut is the deepest? I think that's really true. Lucky are those who didn't even have to go through that. Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I snapped back to reality. I was back to having the boring lovelife. At first I had a hard time adjusting, because as shy as I am to admit it, yes I wanted a second chance with that past love, but it never happened. So I had to learn to move one. We all have to at some point, right? It took me a pretty long time, but at least I can say that I'm past that now.

I've started liking, falling for guys again who's either taken, pursuing someone else, or who just doesn't really care at all. But unlike before, it wasn't so easy to be just fine with it. It's still sad of course, but I had a different approach to it now. If before I would easily be content as long as they're there or as long as the kilig factor with simple gestures that they do is there, it's fine. But now, when I like someone and find out that he's taken or even just pursuing someone else, I would just suddenly back out. As if I could teach my heart to suddenly stop beating 'no? I would start thinking what's the use of liking him if that's the case? In simple words, mas palaban yata ako nuon kesa ngayon. I even probably had more confidence then, than now? (Or, no, that's not the case naman yata. Ay ewan.)

But I still get past the early I-like-you-but-I-changed-my-mind phase. I mean, I couldn't really just shut down what my heart feels. It will feel what it will feel, and I have to go with it; so I give in. I've missed the kilig feelings. When your crush talks to you, or texts you, or even just looks your way and he almost catches you looking at him. As well as the butterflies in your stomach when he compliments you, or when you daydream about the two of you. There's a lot more emo-ness in me these days, thinking about things like how I can never actually be with him, or how impossible this seems, and thinking about just giving up. But I don't wanna lose the feeling, so I just let it be. If I like him, I like him.

I've really noticed changes on how I approach love now, after everything that has happened. There's probably fear, or caution, but I'd like to believe too that I haven't lost hope, or rather that I won't lose hope. (And that I stop becoming so impatient.) I've always prayed for love in my heart. One heartbreak doesn't mean the end of love for me. Things may have changed but love still remains. Sabi nga ng Powerpuff girls, love makes the world go 'round 'diba? I guess I just have to do the waiting game again.

P.S.
Cupid! Next time, hit both? As in 'yung sagad sa buto? =))