think rainbows

*post from my wordpress blog before*

it's been two months since i became officially part of the non-nbsb clique..i am not a No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth-girl anymore..i know it's been two months and yet it's like i really haven't thought of the whole thing, the whole picture..i know I'm not single anymore, or I'm in a relationship already, but i really haven't looked deeper than that..

i've gone thru a lot before i came to that point when i finally decided that i was to enter a relationship for the very first time in my 20 years of existence..20 years of waiting is long enough i think? i know, i know, there are some that have been waiting for the rest of their lives to find that one person who would change their lives drastically..i guess i'm just one of the lucky few who have found that one person early in my life..

i had my crushes way back during elementary, and during high school, and even in college, i have my fair share of *papables*..it was in high school when everyone was having their suitors, they were receiving Blue Magic paper bags during Christmas (i was so bitter about it then 'cause i have always wanted to receive a gift in a Blue Magic paper bag! but thanks to chinky, i'm not so bitter about it anymore, =P), bouquet of flowers during Valentine's day, and yet there was none for me..not even one came up to me and asked me for my number, or if they could court me, or at least just wanted to be friends with me..none..i was so jealous with my friends who had their suitors help them carry their bags, or at least accompany them during dismissal, or during recess/lunch..and yet there was still none for me..there were my guy friends, but of course guy friends are so much different with suitors/boyfriends..but then again, i thought, my time will come..not now..but hopefully soon..I'm not that typical type of girl-next-door that most guys really like..and i guess that explains it all, i tell myself..

i tried to find ways on how i could be closer to them, my "crushes",,thinking that at least, even if they don't like me, at least we could be friends..but still, maybe because of the "trend" that's going on, that most guys want those pretty girl-next-door type of girls as their friends, and later on, as their girlfriends, still, i couldn't convince them that hey, i'm pretty too! maybe not so pretty outside, but very much beautiful inside..my plan worked, for quite some time..i was sort of close to one, but still it wasn't enough..still, it didn't work out..still, i failed..
because of all that happened, when i entered college, i told myself, if i have a crush, that's it, just a crush, i won't be too assuming or i won't expect too much from it..i know, i'm not blessed with good looks, but definitely i'm blessed with good friends, good upbringing, and most importantly, i could be a very good friend..but it's not enough..i enjoy their company, we go out a lot, i have fun with them, talk about anything under the sun with my friends, but still, something's missing..

there's still a part of my life that hasn't been created yet..and I'm dying to make it happen..if i could just do anything, anything at all, i would do it, just so that i could be able to experience that one thing everyone's so hyped up and about...falling in love...being in love...

and being loved in return...the most important for me i think..to know that someone loves me the way i love him..a love that's not just as a friend..or as a brother..or sister..a love between two persons so different from each other, and yet, they can't wait to see each other the next day even though they've spent a whole day together already..

AGAIN, the same thing happened...i had a crush,,and eventually i liked him a lot, and i felt like am i falling for him already? am i in love with him? in love? i think not..but then again, i want to see him everyday..i want him to talk to me, even though there's nothing to talk about..then what am i feeling? this is why i don't like it when i'm liking someone so much..it's so hard to determine if i like him, or if i'm in love with him..how do you tell if you're in love? how will you tell if you only like the person??
then there will be this one person, who will make you fall for him..he has his ways of making you so vulnerable to him..and yet, you will realize, you're such a fool for falling for him..

there are those good times, there are bad times..but still, you can't just ignore the fact that as long as you have a heart, as long as you're still breathing, you will, still, fall, again..and again..
there would be that one person, who would unexpectedly show up right in front of you..and again, you would fall..and again, you would hope and pray, that this time, it would work out just fine...