think rainbows

*post from my wordpress blog before*

being single for 20 years of your life, then suddenly seeing hope that you might not be single anymore after 20 years of your life, is such a drastic change for a simple girl like me..it's something that I've long been wanting to have, something that I've long been waiting for to happen, and yet, I'm scared..
I'm scared to fall, and be hurt once more..
I'm scared to give someone my heart, and have it broken by him..
I'm scared to love, i guess that's what I'm trying to say..
I'm just scared...but I'm not closing any doors..

I'm not blind to the fact that someday, someone might really like me, and court me, and love me, and eventually be my first ever boyfriend in my entire life..I'm actually praying for it to happen, at the right time, even though I'm so dying for it to happen already..
just the thought of me having a boyfriend, having someone who wouldn't be bored to listen to what i have been doing all day, kind of lifts my spirits and gives me more hope to hold on, and not give up on the chances of finding the right guy for me..
and it happens..it really does..in the most unexpected way..

when you're unguarded, when you're least expecting it, it will happen..
then, you'll be excited, you'll be so *kilig*, and you can't wait to tell your girlfriends all about it..see what it does to you..it makes you happy..it excites you..it brightens up your day..but when you think about it, deeply, it's not always good at times..

when i started liking someone again, this time, i hoped, he liked me too,,i hoped he felt the same way..it was hard to tell even through his actions..even though it wasn't the normal friendly moves, still, i didn't want to expect..
by patiently waiting, eventually, i found out that he felt the same way as i did.."if i will court you, will it be ok?";"can i? can i court you?" those were the words i so clearly remember..i couldn't believe my ears..and there i was, so happy, so excited..i was smiling all the time,,and i told my friends about it at once..it was something new, and it was something i have waited all my life to happen! it feels so good inside...finally! i thought at first it was just too good to be true..but it was..it really is happening..and then there came the bad part..i had doubts..i had so many questions in mind..why did he fall for me? why did he like me? why me?? so many questions, and luckily, he gave answers to all the interrogations..

that was the time that i realized, am i afraid to fall in love? is it really hard for me to trust someone? it's like i didn't want to believe that it really is happening..because i didn't think i was good enough to be a girlfriend..or i didn't think that someone was gonna court me or like me at that time..i just really can't believe in everything that was happening..i guess he really was serious about it 'cause he answered all my questions, and never gave up on me..even if i was so much in doubt, with him, and with my feelings, he was so good to have helped me by telling me that it's ok, and that he understands everything (since it's me first time, sheesh), and by answering all the questions that bothered me for quite some time..

it really does happen, doesn't it..just like what they say, don't wait for it, it will just come to you..i didn't think that was true..i believed that you have to do something for it to happen..but it happened, without me doing anything..it happened, so unexpectedly that i couldn't believe that it was already right in front of me..the wait paid off..it was so worth it, and until now, even though two months have passed, i still can't believe at times that i have him in my life, and that the one piece of the puzzle that was once missing have now been found..and he was just right in front of me..just there, waiting, waiting for me to recognize it,,waiting for me to see that it really could happen, to me..