think rainbows

Thinking about it, I think this quote is very fitting for me. You see, I tend to over-analyze things a bit at times. It’s sometimes beneficial, but it could also go a bit overboard. I think this time, my analytic capabilities proved something to me. It struck me at once when I got to read this quote. I got this from twitter, from TheDailyLove I think, and what really caught my eye is the line “because that’s the only way the universe could open it.”

When I was still in that relationship, the one which just recently ended, I felt like my whole world was too focused on what was going on between us; on what I wanted to do for him, for us, for what we had. Okay, so I’m just realizing this now that it’s all over. I know, too late eh? Nah, I don’t think so. Going back, I thought that what I was doing was beneficial for us, because I thought I was taking good care of our relationship. Well, I could’ve been right, but while I was doing something for what we had, I was neglecting more things with what I should have been doing for myself. Because I always wanted so much to spend time with him, thinking that we live too far away from each other, I was spending almost all of my free time either talking to him, or wanting to see him, or actually just being with him. Don’t blame me; it always made me feel happy whenever I was with him.
I still got to spend some time with my family and friends of course, but still, it was like I encased myself too much in ‘our world’. It even came to a point where I was becoming selfish of him. There was this time when we were in a mall, and one of my close friends was there too. Of course I wanted to see her, but I was with him, so I thought if she comes, she might disturb us or something, so I sort of made up things so that she won’t go to where we were anymore. I know, it was wrong, bitchy and all, but what’s done is done. This makes me think that it might be one of the reasons too why it ended. I’m not regretting that I did it, or that I was too absorbed by what we had, because if I didn’t do it, I might do it to the next one and never know that what I’m doing is wrong. At least I’m realizing it now, so I would know when I’m doing it again or not. (And I’m not saying that what he did is okay now, because it still is not.)

I actually did notice that this was happening, while we still had the relationship. I’ve tried to fix it, but I didn’t know how, or what to do. And then the next thing I knew it was already gone; there was nothing more that I could do. I did shut out myself from the world, which was totally not me. I was usually the one who was always present at gatherings, but that time, I started thinking twice whether I would attend or not. I usually just want to hang out at home, but that time, I would go anywhere just to spend time with him. I could have forgotten myself because I was doing things I never did before. I was learning, but at the same time I was also losing parts of me, which is wrong. I was supposed to be improving myself, not losing myself. Good thing it didn’t get any worse, because I couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened then.

I could say that I am now more open to what life gives me. I just go with the flow; I try not to outcast myself, even though at times it still creeps up a bit. I just have to be ready and stay optimistic with everything that comes my way. With the help of what I’ve experienced, with all the realizations I’ve been having, I am starting to become more mature in the process. I’m starting to learn life’s new teachings that I’ve only discovered now. As what they always say, everything starts with yourself. I love me, before I love you. :) (Sounds a bit conceited, but it's true most of the time, haha!) I could also say that I’ve started living once again, I’ve started knowing myself again, and I definitely intend to stay open, let my heart be open, for everyone, and for myself. :)