think rainbows

Bear with me, I don't even know why I am blogging about this.

I'm supposed to blog about our experiences at the cemetery during our visit to our departed loved ones, but instead, this is what I have done.

Yeah, go on, just read. It's okay to laugh, to think that it's cheesy, corny, because I think it is. Hahaha!





When I was 9, I had my first crush. He was a classmate, who also happened to be my seatmate. I thought he was gay, but nevertheless, I found him cute, so I adored him. It wasn’t that long though before he was replaced by someone else. What? I was a kid, I was choosy!

When I was 11, I said he was my first love. A different guy this time, but still was my classmate. He isn’t the typical boy next door kind of guy, or the captain ball of the basketball varsity team, though he was pretty good in volleyball. I think it was something about his sex appeal or whatever that got him a load of admirers. I was surprised to find out that a lot of girls were crushing on him. And he was also super nice that even if I admitted having a crush on him, our relationship as classmates/friends remained the same, which just made me admire him more. Such a gentleman. But all good things must come to an end.

When I was 12, someone else came along. We were years apart, but it never stopped me from admiring him. He was different. He was cool. He happened to be a good friend and mentor too. What a dude.

When I was 13, I was having different views about life and love; I was a teenager already. I had crushes mostly on juniors and seniors. Basketball varsity players, typical boy next door types, although one totally stood out. He was part of the basketball varsity but he was more of the mysterious type; he had a charm that I couldn’t resist. But of course, nothing lasts forever.

When I was 14, my brother started going to college, and I was introduced to a bigger world of basketball, the UAAP. Yes, the UAAP then for me was only about basketball, the players, and the cheerdance competition. I started having crushes on college boys, aside from my batchmate crushes and those from the seniors (the then-juniors) in our school. Yes, I had a lot of crushes, from 1 to 2 crushes before; suddenly they were 5, or even more. I adore them, what can I do.

When I was 15, it was still the same crushes, up until I was 16. Some were forgotten, others remained. I was faithful to a couple, a new one came and left, but I had to part ways with the others too. Bottom line, there was always someone.

When I entered college, this was a totally different world. New faces, new environment, new challenges, new experiences. And yet, still, there was that someone who stood out. I really must say, there’s something with guys who wore braces. Well, not everyone, but most of them. So when I was 17, I was back to being 9. I had a crush, and he was a classmate, who also happened to be my one-seat-apart-seatmate. (shit I hope he doesn’t read this.)

When I was 18, I befriended a stranger I met online, who turned out to be going to the same school and taking the same course as I was, only he was 2 years ahead. (okay I hope he doesn’t read this too.) I don’t know if he was just really being nice to me, but it worked. I fell for it, I fell for him. He had a girlfriend, which sucks, and I was left with only wishes that I would see him online or he would talk to me first, or he would greet me in the hallways, or I would see him walking around the campus. My wishes came true, and we became friends which was really great, but that was just it. And I was back to my college baller crushes too by the way. And of course, the stranger-turned-friend had to graduate.

*When I was 19, I think I fell in love. I met this guy who broke my heart without him knowing it. (He knows about it now actually. And actually, they all do break my heart without them knowing it. Sorry, heart.) I wasn’t really so sure if I did love him, or I just truly admired him, but he made me feel different, and I totally fell for it. I got so mad at him, but what can I do, we were only friends, and he had no clue then, not a single one. I moved on, tried to forget, was able to for some time I think, but it kept on coming back. Until…

When I was 20, that was the ultimate; I fell in love, and he loved me back. He was the first, it was unexpected, and it was remarkable. There was no one else then. I experienced things I only dreamt about before, thanks to him, but they were not all pleasant you know.

When I was 21 though, my heart was broken. Yes, it was that sudden, and I couldn’t believe it either. The guy who made me experience such bliss was the same guy who gave me a taste of misery. As what they say, all good things must come to an end.

But thanks to this, I found out that he was not indeed the first to love me back. Someone else actually did, but we didn’t end up together although we almost did, if only. Though it was too late now, at least I still knew about it or I would have forever been left wondering. The dude surprised me with the things he told me, but I was happy that he did tell them to me now. Probably we were just both afraid, and we might just have been at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Now at 22, I think my heart is taking a much needed and much deserved break from all the ups and downs. Although I’ve been waiting when it would again find that someone who would stand out among the rest, maybe I’ll just follow its lead. Rushing won’t do any good anyway. Besides, I could always look back at the past 12 interesting years. What I’ve just realized is that once a person touches your heart, there’ll always be that special place for them there. But of course there were still some who probably just couldn't hold on long enough. Still, how big or how small it may be, it stays, and you remember.



What did I just write?
Oh that, right.

*Just so you know, I've noticed this a lot lately, but I think you're the one whom my heart recognizes the most right now. Yeah, not him, but you. I'm surprised too. I'm just not so sure though. Unnecessary, pointless, I know, but I just wanted to let you know. :P

Why did I write this again?
O_o