think rainbows

This is not just your ordinary Monday workday blues. It's something deeper than that.

I know it doesn't really sound or look nice that I just blogged again and my first entry is something gloomy. But I can't help it. I needed an outlet and I know this blog, though very static, would be a perfect one.

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Then my phone just suddenly didn't want to charge itself anymore. And then everything else just kind of dawned on me. The only moments I kind of felt better was while watching Eat Bulaga (yeah, they never fail to make people happy) and maybe when I ate that one piece of Malteesers.

My phone which suddenly wasn't charging anymore was a very simple thing compared to everything else that came after that. I suddenly felt so down; so bummed out; so useless; that my life is really so boring at this point and I'm not doing anything about it. Or I can't do anything about it. I still can't find a job. I don't know what I've been doing wrong that I haven't been able to land a job again. Could it be that this is fate's way of getting back at me? For giving me many opportunities last year which I didn't grab? I hope not. I don't want to think that way anyway. But what am I doing wrong really?? I used to think that I've always found a way with things. That things have their way of working out which, most of the time, have favored me. And now this. I am totally lost. (Billy, can I join you? I think I need to find myself too.)

Find your purpose. Find your meaning. Find your destiny. Find that which you really want and love to do. I may be able to find them, but how do I put it into action? How do I incorporate them so as I could make them my source of income? I can study. But where do I find the resources to study? I still want to use my degree in any way possible. Is that too much to ask?

I'm 25 now. I left my last job before I turned 24. What have I been doing the past year? It's almost August. My target of getting a job was at the first quarter at least of 2013. And look at where I am today, sitting in front of my computer (oh wait, it's not even really MY computer) at home, blogging, sulking. The first few months, leading up to almost a year, it hasn't bugged me that much because I enjoyed the vacation, but now it does...so much. Did I enjoy it too much? I even thought that 25 was a good marrying age. But obviously that didn't happen. At my age, I should be providing for myself, going out with friends, travelling, seeing the world, trying out new experiences, building my career, living my life. I'm not bad, am I? I think I'm okay, pretty good personality, intelligence. What am I lacking??

Right now it feels like I've put my life on pause. Yes, I say pause, because after all the negative thoughts and not so good realizations or decisions or happenings, I am still trying to stay positive that one day, I'll be able to start again.

I know I'm being so impatient right now, and moody. And I keep on asking myself how do I start? What do I do? Where do I go? Because I don't know anymore. Should I just go with the flow? But where's the flow?? Like I've got all the options, all the opportunities, and because they're too much, I cannot seem to figure out which one to take. Aaaaaaah!! I feel like my mind's going to explode anytime! *insert a heavy heavy sigh here* I've got all the time in the world but I'm not fully utilizing it and I don't know how to.

Yet I'm still hopeful and I continuously wait, for that spark, that one step that would get me going again. Besides, I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.

At the end of the day, yes, I still turn to nobody else but Him.

And I think I do need some alone time for myself.

P.S.
And I think I need to start writing more again, my vocabulary's getting weak.